Daily Wish

2008-08-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Personal helicopter, with personal helicopter chauffeur and easier way of spelling 'chauffeur'.

2008-08-22T14:28:00.000-07:00

Absurd skill at Go. Also, for Go to be a game people give a shit about.

2008-08-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

The power to spot ninjas. They're everywhere. Hiding.

2008-08-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

A universal remote with only one switch. The switch would have two settings: 'Polka' and 'Off'.

2008-08-18T16:39:00.001-07:00

An innovative method for storing books underwater.

2008-08-17T11:45:00.001-07:00

An actual French maid. Less to indulge a fantasy than to learn French while somebody else does my dishes.

2008-08-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Godzilla-in-a-can.

2008-08-14T15:21:00.001-07:00

Keys to the Russian Space Program.

2008-08-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

A couch that folds down easily into a pocket-sized square for convenient carrying.

2008-08-11T16:25:00.001-07:00

An ancient artifact of unspeakable power and unknowable strangeness. For preference, one that would fit on the mantle.

2008-08-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

A robotic exoskeleton identical to my normal body. Except three stories tall. Put the book I want on the top shelf, will they?

2008-08-02T12:42:00.001-07:00

A small island nation that exports rare and exotic tropical fruit, making us rich on the money of hippies.

2008-07-29T18:33:00.001-07:00

Kosher Bacon: give those rabbis something to smile about!

2008-07-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

A pet monkey trained as a master diamond thief.

2008-07-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

A last name that is also an abstract noun, like Danger, Fury, Love or Power. Alternately, all four of those abstract nouns.

2008-07-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

An actual new day of the week called Caturday, so that 7/8 of the time, when lolcats ask "Is it Caturday yet?", my response can be "No. Shut up."

2008-07-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

A familiar. Badger, for preference.

2008-07-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

A giant hamster ball for jogging in the rain and over open water.

2008-07-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

A 'mute' button for car alarms, small dogs, and people I hate.

2008-07-04T09:00:00.001-07:00

Enough democracy to compensate for 4 days without wishing!

2008-06-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

The Final Solution.

To Poverty, not Jews. Jews are fine. Poverty is a problem.

2008-06-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

A Grecian Chorus, in the style of Aristophanes or Woody Allen's Mighty Aphrodite, which would function as a combination inner monologue/entourage/barbershop quartet.

2008-06-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

A slide whistle ready in my hands when a nearby man is about to step on a banana peel.

2008-06-19T14:22:00.001-07:00

One weakness. ONLY one weakness.

2008-06-17T15:45:00.001-07:00

A Batman-style red phone that would connect directly to my cellular phone.

Two years in the future.

2008-06-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

A magical fiddle that would cause bikers to square-dance whenever they heard it played.

2008-06-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Super-strength, exclusively for car-lifting purposes. I'd never worry about parking again.

2008-06-10T06:26:00.001-07:00

A different color text, to differentiate myself from Daniel's wishes.

Well...how about that!

2008-06-09T09:37:00.001-07:00

The chance to contribute to this blog.

...

Well, how about that!

2008-06-06T22:55:00.001-07:00

Good help. It's so hard to find.

2008-05-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

An answer to the questions "Why?" and "What are next week's lottery numbers?"

2008-04-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

World peace.

And a machine that can convert world peace into fried foods.

2008-04-16T19:56:00.001-07:00

I've missed like three weeks! I better use a super potent wish to make up for lost time:

TOTAL CONTROL OVER TIME, SPACE, AND YOU

2008-03-26T14:23:00.001-07:00

For those astronauts to have not been killed by the evil Kryptonians. That part always makes me cry.

And for Superman to not have fired a laser beam from his hand. Did the scriptwriter not even look at the comic?

2008-03-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

So again I find myself with a four day wish backlog. How about I wish for good mirror image versions of the Four Horseman to roam the earth? Life, Peace, Health, and Snacks.

2008-03-20T20:59:00.001-07:00

Cherry tomatoes that actually taste like cherry. False advertising.

2008-03-19T13:59:00.000-07:00

To invent an enduring knock-knock joke.

2008-03-18T14:34:00.000-07:00

The Department of Sufficient Crunch, a federal agency entirely devoted to enforcing the policy that restaurants serve oyster crackers with soup.

2008-03-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

The power of earth.

The power of wind.

The power of water.

The power of air.

That's right, four wishes to make up for lost time and I'm not asking for the power of heart. Go suck on it Ma-Ti. Have fun being the useless one.

2008-03-13T08:09:00.001-07:00

Trouble in River City. They have it coming.

2008-03-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

A beer with Alan Moore would be pretty great.

http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/primer_alan_moore

Of course a beer is kinda mundane, so let's say a beer with Alan Moore in Atlantis while we are both honored guests of Poseidon.

2008-03-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

World peace, but on the distant alien planet of Krzzynishnyakqu'ark.

2008-03-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

A glass globe that if destroyed would unleash the apocalypse, precariously placed on a high shelf in my home as decoration. That way if I had a bad day I could loudly curse in the street, "Screw this! I'm going home to shatter my world ending orb!" and people would flock to me to provide consolation and comfort foods in the hopes of avoiding global destruction.

2008-03-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

(in order from bottom up to the top)

And ten billion dollars.

Maybe one of those apple phones that can go online wouldn't hurt. That would ensure more regular access to wishing. I'll have one of those, whatever they're called. If only they were advertised more so I could recall the name. Alternatively what would also work would be a guy that's on the internet all the time that I can just call with my regular cell phone and order to do my internet stuff for me.

That people understand that 'daily' is only mostly literal.

2008-03-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

Amazing chessmaster skills, which I would use to outplay death for additional centuries of life in hundred-year intervals.

2008-03-05T15:29:00.000-08:00

To have the excess buffalo meat you procure in Oregon trail appear next to your computer, ready for cooking, rather than simply going to waste.

2008-03-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

That the presidential portraits on dollars bills would converse with you on matters of foreign affairs, politics, and law .

2008-03-03T06:50:00.000-08:00

Panda butler.

2008-03-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

A giant laser capable of displaying images on the moon.

2008-03-01T18:47:00.001-08:00

One of those gems people fight over in every single fantasy novel.

2008-02-29T18:15:00.002-08:00

A roast beef sandwich with oreos in it. Wait, I can achieve this one myself! Nix the oreo roast beef sandwich, I'll go buy the ingredients now. How about just a million dollars today.

2008-02-29T18:15:00.001-08:00

That this was written yesterday.

2008-02-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

A lifetime supply of lifetime supplies.

2008-02-26T11:52:00.000-08:00

To be a master pianist, or the ability to touch master pianists and make them forget how to play.

2008-02-25T07:50:00.000-08:00

For leaders of all nations to embrace peace, human rights, and cooperation, except for one small country that'll stay evil so Bond movies have a place to make the bad guy from.

2008-02-24T15:34:00.001-08:00

Magic gloves that would allow me to crush things, including large objects like cars and sharks, at a distance by balling my fist.

2008-02-23T13:00:00.000-08:00

A gummi bear the size of my torso.